Reenacting trauma via dating the same type of partner
Reenacting trauma can sometimes look like dating the same type of crappy person over and over again.
Everyone knows someone who has dated the same type of “not so great” person repeatedly. Maybe it’s you or maybe it’s a close friend.
We notice that they are drawn to similar partners, creating similar relationship dynamics, with similar bad endings. Not only is this frustrating for us having to support the person after each break-up— we believe our friend deserves better! But it can also create lasting negative core beliefs for the friend about the type of relationships available and the type of relationships they deserve. I believe that this type of cyclical dating can be a form of trauma reenactment.
Trauma reenactment occurs when people repeat past events and relationships that recreate the same type of old relational wounding, putting the person in an emotionally volatile and sometimes dangerous state. It can feel soul crushing. The concept of trauma reenactment is not meant to blame the individual for repeated patterns, but is to better understand why people may gravitate toward similar dynamics that do not serve them.
The human brain is geared towards implicit bias. Implicit bias means that brains subconsciously shift towards the familiar. Even if these familiar patterns are not helpful, we may shift towards a familiar circumstance because it feels safer than trying something new. It can feel safer to be in a pattern that doesn’t serve us than to shift towards trying something new that may or may not be better. Vulnerability and trying new things can be a hell of a challenge for folks!
In order to disrupt trauma reenactments, we must first recognize when we are in patterns and situations that do not serve us.
Trauma reenactments can take on many forms—-
If we notice an upswing in negative core beliefs about ourselves and the world, it could be helpful to see if a particular dynamic is fueling those thought patterns.
If trusted friends and family are pointing out that a new partner reminds them of older partners that were abusive and crappy. Outside perspective can be helpful to check the facts of a situation.
If we find ourselves acting out in familiar ways that are not serving us due to a relationship (ie emotionally dumping on friends and family, taking to the internet to vocalize our problems, numbing feelings by overusing substances).
Being triggered by mundane situations with a partner (usually caused by built up tension).
Therapy is a helpful way to build insight into repeated patterns. It can provide ways to improve our judgment about ourselves and the company we may keep.
Along with therapy, here are some other ways to build insight into patterns that are not serving us—
Journaling—- don’t roll your eyes just yet! Journaling about our day and past experiences is a tried and true way of building insight. Also bring that journal entry to therapy! Extra points.
Mindfulness— helps us develop a deeper sense of self-awareness
Mind-body connection— If we have a better sense of what our bodies look like in a hyperaroused state, we have an easier chance of understanding the root cause.
As a trauma therapist, I have extensive experience working with trauma reenactments. Please reach out today if you’d like to learn more about my practice and ways to build insight into your process.
meghan@temperancetherapies.com
612-367-7286